Dear Betsy,

In late March my husband asked for a separation. He waivered back and forth for several months, but eventually, he packed his things and got an apartment across town. Since then he's told me he wants to work things out. The problem is, I've discovered he's been sleeping with another woman from work. It seems like he wants to hang onto her until he's sure things will work out with us.

Can you give me any advice on how to SAVE my marriage? We've been together for 15 years, and he's not the only one who has caused damage. I had an affair 4 years ago that hurt him terribly.

I'm scared of showing my anger because he's already half way out the door. But how do I hold it in when he's still sleeping with another woman?

Signed,

What Now?

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Dear What Now,

It's especially hard for someone who's been left to put leverage someone who's already gone. It's especially hard when you've caused similar damage to the relationship yourself. But the fact that your husband still wants to work on the relationship is a good sign. The first order of business will be for him to demonstrate his commitment to working on your relationship by ending his affair. As long as he's got one foot out the door, there's no way for the two of you to work on the trust issues that have caused so much damage your relationship.

As for expressing your anger? Timing is everything. You need to express it. And you get to express it. But probably NOT NOW. At least not with him. It may indeed be dangerous to express your anger before your husband has really made the commitment to focus on repairing your relationship.

With affairs on both sides of the fence, there's got to be a long story here: years of drifting, poor communication, loneliness, betrayal, loss, grief, fear, insecurity. I'm guessing you could both use some guidance and support to help you sort through these issues and heal your relationship. Having a competent guide there to ask the hard questions and hold you both accountable can be very helpful.

The important thing here though, is to find a good marriage counselor--not a well-meaning psychologist or social worker who likes working with couples, but who has no experience or training in couples therapy. A good place to start is the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy website. Then click on the TherapistLocator link. It will direct you to licensed marriage and family therapists in your area. Look at all the profiles, call whoever looks good, and don't make an appointment with a secretary. Research shows time and time again that it is the relationship between the therapist and the client that determines the success of the therapy. Talk to as many therapists as it takes to find the one you feel both comfortable with and understood by. Then make an appointment.

Don't settle for a well-meaning idiot who just sits and nods and says, "So how did that make you feel?? You need a competent, confident therapist who says, ?So what are you willing to do this week to make your relationship better??

Good luck on your search,

Betsy