Dear Betsy,

I've been married for 19 yrs. to a man who smokes like a chimney, is 70 pounds overweight, refuses to work, and is accident prone. And did I mention he lies to people, breaks promises, and is sarcastic?

When I ask him why he doesn't work, he says: Why should I work if I don't like what I'm doing? As for me? I have a great job, I work out, and I've recently lost 16 lbs. The problem is, I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. He smells like an ash tray, his belly hangs over his pants, and he's lazy and insecure. Plus, he's broken so many promises to me and the kids. I've asked him to lose weight, quit smoking and get a job. But he's full of excuses.

The sad thing is, I still love him. But to be totally honest, I'm physically repulsed by his body. He still asks me to do sexual things I used to crave with him, but I can't do them anymore! It's hard to do things to him with that big belly. (I am a small girl.) I feel trapped.

Beneath it all, he really is a very caring man. Did I create this monster by being too easy-going? I don't want to hurt him. But for years I haven't been sexual attracted to him. I need that kind of satisfaction.

Am I crazy for staying? HELP!

Signed,

Hopeless Romantic

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Dear Hopeless,

Your husband sounds depressed. And you, my dear, sound co-dependent. If your relationship is going to improve, you both need to change.

The problem is that most people don't change unless they're highly motivated. Here are the three things that motivate people: 1) Falling in love, in which case, people will say and do anything, but the changes they make don't usually last, 2) Passion for an activity, 3) Fear of the consequences of not changing.

Mark my words: As long as you're willing to put up with your husband's obnoxious behavior and continue to overfunction in the relationship, the relationship will only get worse.

You say that beneath it all your husband is "a very caring man." I disagree. The man you married may have been a caring man. But the person you're living with cares little for himself, for you, or for the welfare of your children, who are learning by example what it means to be in "a loving relationship."

If someone today tried to fix you up with the person you're married to now, you'd laugh in their face. Your husband isn't acting like a grown man. He's acting like a selfish, spoiled, abusive child. Only unlike a child, you can't send him to his room until he's ready to behave.

My suggestion is that you do some reading about codependency. Facing Codepence, by Pia Mellody, or Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood are good places to start. And I'd start being more honest and assertive with your husband.

In particular, I'd let him know that you will no longer tolerate lies or excuses. This means setting limits and having a plan. If he acts out, he needs to know there will be consequences. For example: "You either get some professional help for your depression, or you find someplace else to live." He gets to be depressed, but he doesn't get to be a jerk.

And while we're on the subject, I'd let him know how you feel about his body. I'd tell him what you've told me: "Your smoking stinks and your big fat belly is a big fat turn-off. If you want to have sex with a beautiful woman like me, you'll have to get me interested." Even in a marriage, sex is a privilege, not a right.

I've suggested therapy for your husband, but I'd also recommend marriage counseling for the two of you. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists have specialized training in how to work with couples. A competent marriage counselor will help you redefine your roles and lookout for your children.

If your husband won't see a marriage counselor with you, go yourself. And I'd also suggest that you look into joining a CODA, which stands for Codependents Anonymous, a free, non-denominational, international group for people struggling with issues just like yours. There are local chapters in most cities, and there are meetings going on most nights.

Remember: Problems like yours don't go away. They only get worse. If you really do want to save your marriage, you'll need to take action to make it better. The action is going to have to start with you.

Best of luck,

Betsy