Dear Betsy,

I have been married to my wife for two years, but we've been together for four. It seemed like we have had the perfect marriage. Four months ago, we decided to find a reception hall to have the wedding ceremony we'd never had. Ever since, my wife has become more and more depressed.
She now claims she never actually loved me, that she was deceiving not only me, but herself as well. She's thinking about cancelling the reception. She says she's been feeling trapped for many years now, and has done things to please me (which is true), but never anything to make herself happy (which is also true).

What should I do? I want her to be happy but I don't want to lose her. Can you please, help me? I'm desperate.

Sincerely,

Hanging On by a Thread

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Dear Threadbare,

I wonder if perhaps your wife has entered that territory where the excitement that comes with novelty has worn off, and the challenge of figuring out how to keep the spark alive in your relationship has taken its place.

I'm guessing that four months ago, when you decided to rent a reception hall, the excitement was reignited briefly, while the two of you had an energizing project together?planning a wedding--that made everything sparkle again. But when the reality hit that after the reception was over, the two of you would right back where you started, your wife probably realized that the feelings she thought had come back, really hadn't. As the saying goes: Wherever you go, there you are.

It also sounds like your wife has been doing some soul searching about what she wants in her life, and about the ways she's been neglecting her own needs and wants in order to please others?you being one of those others. This happens to many, if not most women who were trained in childhood to put others? needs before their own.

At some point, these women start to get angry, and if they were also trained not to feel or express their anger, they become listless and eventually, depressed. Sometimes they know what's causing these feelings, but quite often?because they've been taught to suppress their own needs--they don't. So, in an effort to make sense of why they're feeling so awful, they look outside themselves for an explanation: It's their job, their husband, their kids, God.

My suggestion to you is to encourage your wife to pay close attention to whatever messages she's hearing from inside herself. Trying to talk her out of her feelings--either by telling her how great your relationship is, or by pressuring her to stay--is likely to increase her feelings of anger and isolation. Unless there's another man in her life?in which case, you've got a different problem on your hands than the one I've been talking about?what she needs is to have her feelings taken seriously. She's feeling lost, and trapped, and depressed. She needs you to give her the space and support to find herself again. This doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship is over. But I wouldn't pressure her to go through with a wedding ceremony she doesn't want. If you do, it's more than likely that she will bolt.

Best of luck to you. I know this must be terribly difficult, but I wouldn't give up. I'd just change course.

Betsy