When women start to feel unfulfilled by their husbands they often express it in ways their husbands don't understand. They complain, pout, compare, rant, and withdraw sexually. Eventually, when these tactics fail to get their husbands'attention, the gap between them widens. Then they stop complaining and start putting their energies and affections elsewhere--usually into their kids, church, extended family, or a guy at work.

Dear Betsy,

Sixteen years ago, when I was in the service, I gave in to temptation and literality had a five-minute period of infidelity. My guilt was so bad, I had to see a doctor to help me deal with it. I knew it was wrong before and during the act but I did it anyway.

After a few months, the remorse and guilt were too much and I had to confess to my wife. She was devastated and told me it's over. Her mother talked her into giving me another chance.

That was 16 years ago and Jan 1 of this year she told me she can't forget my betrayal, and "I killed the love" all those years ago. She read me the riot act like the incident happened yesterday. Now she wants out.

We have been happy all those years and she never even gave me a hint that she wasn't happy. In fact, she has told me many times that she loves me. We were even making vacation plans in November.

I don't understand, I can't live without her, she is the love of my life and I'm dying inside. I can't imagine life without her.

Signed,

What Now?

Dear What Now,

Holding a grudge for 16 years is an exercise in self-torture few people could endure. Sounds like your wife has invested the better part of your relationship to this self-defeating work-out program. That's not to condone or excuse your infidelity?however brief--but rather to place some responsibility on your wife for staying all these years without doing the necessary work to move through the pain of betrayal and heal your relationship.

That said, it's highly unlikely that five minutes of infidelity 16 years ago would be enough to cause your wife to end your marriage today. Sixteen years is a long time to hold a grudge. I suspect that the two of you have been drifting apart for a long long time, only you haven't noticed. This is a common dynamic in long-term relationships.

When women start to feel unfulfilled by their husbands they often express it in ways their husbands don't understand. They complain, pout, compare, rant, and withdraw sexually. Eventually, when these tactics fail to get their husbands'attention, the gap between them widens. Then they stop complaining and start putting their energies and affections elsewhere--usually into their kids, church, extended family, or a guy at work.

If you want to save your marriage, my recommendation is that you tell your wife what you want and need from her--and not as a beggar on your knees, but rather as someone who cares deeply for her and wants to heal your relationship. Then I would start to really listen to her. And I mean really listen.

Obviously, in spite of what you've been feeling, your wife hasn't ?been happy all those years.? And although you say she hasn't given you any hints of her dissatisfaction, I'm sure she's given you plenty. They just haven't been loud enough for you to hear, or you've heard them, but haven't understood what they meant.

If you want to heal your relationship, you might try downloading a free tool I created for couples in my therapy practice called The Art of Conversation. It will teach you how to listen in a way that is likely to encourage your wife to talk to you about what she's feeling, and let her know that you're really there.

Best of luck to you.

Betsy