Dear Betsy,

Four months ago my husband moved out. He said it had nothing to do with me. He just "needed his own space." What the hell is that supposed to mean? We're married. We've got three kids. Who's supposed to take care of them while he's taking his own space? And how can it have nothing to do with me?

The month before he left, I started to think he might be having an affair, but he denied it. He admits he's gotten close to someone at work, but says they're just friends. I have friends too, but my cell phone isn't filled with one guy's phone number. I know the number is this woman's because I called it once from his cell phone and she answered in a flirtatious voice. I was going to ask her point blank, but I got scared and hung up.

Fast forward to now. I still see my husband several times a week, and he seems happier, but he's still not ready to come home. He says there's no one else, but I don't believe it. Whenever I ask how his friendship is going he acts defensive. Like I should trust him.

I've asked him to see a counselor with me, but he says there's nothing wrong with the marriage. He just needs time more time to sort things out. He wants me to wait for him, but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I feel like such a fool.

There are probably ways for me to find out more about this woman, but if they really are just friends I don't want to blow things out of proportion and make my husband mad. It seems like when I push, he pulls away.

My question is, do you think I am just being impatient, or do you think I am being stupid for believing what he says? Sometimes I think I'm just making it easier for him to have his cake and eat it to. You know, like that saying, "Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I mean, why would he ever end things with her, now that he's got his own apartment, no kids screaming for attention, a wife who wants to make love whenever he wants to, and a girlfriend who obviously thinks he's great?

What should I do?

Signed,

Patient (or Pathetic?)

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Dear P or P,
 
In my experience -- and the research bears this out -- men do not generally leave one relationship, no matter how flawed, unless they have another relationship to go to. My guess is that your husband is involved with this woman. The possible upside of this is the fact that fewer than 20% of all affair partners end up being longterm partners. Apparently, once the excitement, novelty, and danger wears off, and the reality of that person?with all of her flaws and needs?sets in, the affair partner loses her attraction. And that's likely to be when you'll hear from your husband that his soul searching experiment is finished.

Life holds no guarantees, but you could wait him out, and he might come back--eventually. After all, he could be telling you the truth. . . but I doubt it. On the other hand, you could insist that he tell you what's really going on with the other woman. And this would require you to be honest about what you know. This means admitting you don't believe him and confronting him with the cell phone records.

Look, we all go through periods in our lives when we feel lost and overwhelmed, and don't know where to turn for help. When this happens, most married people talk to each other. Or--if they can't--they see a therapist or a clergy. They don't leave their marriage for months on end, rent an apartment across town, and spend hours on the phone with another woman. Unless of course, the other woman really is "the other woman."

I don't think patience is the answer here. I think it's time for you to have a serious talk with your husband. An innocent person has nothing to hide.

I'm not buying . . . 

Betsy