Dear Betsy,

I'm a 30 year old working with Dell as a Trainer married to an outdoor sports instructor. He's into adventure sports and experiential training. He freelances. We have a son who's 8 months. We come from different backgrounds, him being the one from the wilderness and me from the town. We have been married 2.5 years. Suddenly, after our son's birth everything has gone haywire.

Our relationhip, which was a point of envy in our circles, is slowly going beyond repairs. We started having arguments as he no longer wanted to have a steady job and wanted to freelance. The fact that his freelancing does not earn us a stable income is a concern with the baby in the family.

Since last few months he's had almost no work. He spends his time is by going to his mother's place and chilling out till the end of day and coming back home at nite. My mom takes care of the baby for us. I understand that he might be frustrated because of his work situation, but he's not ready to take a job in spite of all this.

He keeps asking me for money to pay his credit cards and cell phone bills. He feels he's given up things that he was passionate about (like going rock climbing every weekend and hanging around with the guys). But he still does all that after, even after the baby.

He tried to just walk away from all of it a couple of weeks back. I begged him to come back. It is now beyond me to contain my frustration over the financial situation.

Am I wrong in expecting him to be home and take care of our needs alongside with his work he loves so much. Please advise. How do I approach him or talk to him? He's angry at all times and doesn't talk anymore.

Signed,

Desperate mother.

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Dear Desperate,

My guess is that your husband is struggling with three forces: depression, immaturity, and low self-esteem. Fortunately, there are cures for all of these conditions. The cure for the first, depression, requires patience, understanding, hard work, lots of support, and a re-engagement with life. The cure for the second, immaturity--at least in the case of a grown man--requires just one thing: being responsible to others on a daily basis, in ways that really make a difference. The good news is that the cure for the third is the same as the cure for the second.

The question isn't: Should you expect your husband to take care of his own child, instead of leaving his child with your mother while YOU work all day, so HE can act like a child in his mother's house? The question is: Why are all three women in this scenario willing to treat a grown man like a spoiled little boy instead of insisting he get off his butt and take care of the adult responsibilities he chose by getting married in the first place and then having a child? If you ask me, "freelancing," in this scenario, looks a lot like "free-loading."

As long as his mom, your mom, and YOU allow it, it's unlikely that your husband will ever develop the strength necessary to rise above those three forces. There's a name for what you three women are doing. It's called "enabling." By treating your husband as if he is disabled, you are helping to perpetuate the very problems you are desperate to be rid of. I recommend that all three of you women read a book called Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody It should help you get off your knees. It may also help your husband to get off his butt.

Best of luck. Let me know how it all turns out.

Betsy