In my opinion, your strongest move would be to get off the floor, brush off your knees, and take a stand with your husband in a firm and dignified manner. We usually get treated the way we treat ourselves. If you act like a dog, chances are, you'll be treated like one.

Dear Betsy,

My husband has decided that we are "separated." I've told him that I don't accept this, that Marriage is forever and he needs to work on it. He refuses. He won't even sleep at home. I found out that he's sleeping at a friend's house--a woman who I am sure he has feelings for.

How do I get him to come back to me? I've tried everything--the Surrendered Wife prescription of being loving, being understanding, and being compassionate, and nothing works. What now?

Dear I. Surrender,

First of all, I disagree. You haven't tried everything. You've tried many versions of the same thing: Making Nice. What you haven't tried -- at least from what you've said -- is advocating for yourself, your marriage, and your children. If your response to your husband's unacceptable behavior is to try harder to please him, you're disrespecting yourself. If my husband broke his marriage commitment, my response wouldn't be to shower him with more compassion, love, and understanding. I'd be saying "Hey, you made a commitment, for better or for worse, remember" You don't get to announce we're separated and then start sleeping with your secretary. It's time to strengthen that commitment by turning toward each other and working on us."

I do not believe in the Surrendered Wife concept. It's just the latest maneuver to get women to put up and shut up, something women have been doing for centuries. We don't need to surrender to our husbands, fathers, brothers, bosses, or anyone else. We need to stand up for our right to be treated with respect, honesty, equality, kindness and concern--by everyone. And we need to honor others' rights to be treated the same way.

That doesn't mean you stop being loving, understanding, or compassionate to your husband. It just means that you hold onto yourself, and you make sure that whatever you're doing does not compromise your values, truths, and needs. It means loving and respecting yourself enough to take a stand on unacceptable behavior. It means stating your needs and expectations clearly and forcefully, and setting limits on behavior that is not acceptable. Like fleeing a marriage when feelings start to waver, instead of honoring one's marriage vows.

You will never get your husband back by begging, pleading, seducing, or groveling. Beggars do not command respect. They provoke feelings of sympathy at best, and embarrassment, shame, and disgust at worst. In my opinion, your strongest move would be to get off the floor, brush off your knees, and take a stand with your husband in a firm and dignified manner. We usually get treated the way we treat ourselves. If you act like a dog, chances are, you'll be treated like one.

Sending you and infusion of courage and strength,

Betsy