Believe it or not, researchers have found that fighting isn't necessarily bad for relationships. In fact, many successful couples bicker and fight like crazy. What causes the majority of marriages to fail isn't fighting, it's drifting. Drifting is what happens when couples lose touch with each other because they're too busy, too preoccupied, or too focused on themselves (or their work or kids) to make time for each other. . . "Making time for each other" is the single most difficult assignment I give to my couples. As much as they want their relationship to improve, they still can't discipline themselves to do this.

Dear Cold Feet,

You don't. You make a decision based on what you know today and then leap off that cliff together. If you're smart, you work hard on your relationship so you don't drift apart, and you promise not to have kids together until you're both convinced you actually did make the right choice. Then you keep working on your relationship so that the bond between you grows stronger and stronger.
This bond becomes your insurance policy, the well you draw from in times of need.

Believe me, no matter how lucky or how healthy you feel today, at some point, illness, grief, disappointment, despair will find you. It's simply part of the journey we all share. If you're lucky--and you've both done your work--when hardship strikes home, you'll have each other to turn to.
If you've already got kids, the best thing you can do is try to make your relationship "the right one" so that your kids grow up feeling safe at home with role models who exemplify the values you hold dear: mutual respect, kindness, compassion, decency, tolerance, acceptance, gratitude, honesty, fidelity, courage, unconditional love. As my mentor once said, "Parents always say that what they really want is for their kids to turn out right. The truth is, kids usually turn out just like their parents -- for better or for worse."

If you want your kids to choose partners who will treasure them, let them see you and your partner treasuring each other. As Gandhi once said, "Be the change you want to see." Research has shown that it doesn't matter if parents are strict or lenient, rich or poor, liberal or conservative. The kids who turn out to be healthy adults -- capable of having healthy, loving relationships with others -- are the kids who learned how to have a healthy relationship by watching their parents. Kids whose parents treat each other with interest, respect, kindness, and care, are likely to choose partners who will do the same.

Now a word about fighting. Believe it or not, researchers have found that fighting isn't necessarily bad for relationships. In fact, many successful couples bicker and fight like crazy. What causes the majority of marriages to fail isn't fighting, it's drifting. Drifting is what happens when couples lose touch with each other because they're too busy, too preoccupied, or too focused on themselves (or their work or kids) to make time for each other.

In fact, a study done in Minnesota on 21,000 couples found that most divorces in that group were initiated by women whose husbands were shocked to hear that their wives weren't happy with them. They said that in the months before their wives announced they wanted a divorce, they actually thought things were getting better. Why? Because their wives had "stopped nagging" at them. It turns out that their wives had stopped nagging at them because they had given up on the relationship.

And what about sexual chemistry? How important is it to be physically attracted to your mate? If you had asked me this question twenty years ago, I would have said: Not that important, as long as two people love each other and are committed to making their relationship work. But I don't say that anymore.

I've worked with too many people who married the nicest man or woman you'd ever want to meet, only to discover nine or ten years into a marriage, that as wonderful as their husbands or wives are, they can't imagine spending the rest of their lives with someone who feels "more like a brother or sister than a lover." Chemistry is important at the start of the relationship, and it continues to be important throughout a marriage.

If you're trying to figure out whether or not you're with the right person, ask yourself these questions.

They may help:

• Does my partner bring out the best in me, or do I feel "less than" or smaller in his/her presence?
• Is he/she a friend to my excitement, or is he/she threatened by my strengths, interests, and accomplishments?
• Do we share basic values about childrearing, spending, socializing, family?
• Is there chemistry between us?
• Do we respect and trust each other?
• Can I live with my partner's travel/work schedule without feeling resentful/threatened, and vice versa?
• Is my partner open to talking about things that are bothering him/her, or does he/she shut down or push me away?
• Is my partner okay "right off the shelf," or does he/she need to change for me to get my relationship needs met?
• When I look across the table, can I imagine this person being there for me when I am old, our children are gone, and I am no longer as attractive physically or as healthy as I am today?
• Does my partner make me laugh?
• Does my partner treat me with respect even when he/she is tired, angry, scared, or hurt?
• Does my partner's "off-stage behavior" (how he/she treats waiters, ex-lovers, animals, co-workers, parents) reveal a kind and thoughtful person, or someone who scares me?
• Does my partner have addictions that I may have been denying or overlooking?
  

This is not an exhaustive list, but an exploration of these questions should help you decide if the person you're with now is someone you can count on to be there for you in the future.

I wish you love . . . and lots of luck! Both make all the difference.

Betsy