Ask Betsy - Relationship Advice from Betsy Sansby, LMFT: Committed partner doesn't believe in marriage

Divorce statistics--along with your own experience--prove that marriage dosn't provide any guarantees that love will last. What really matters is a couple's shared committed to each other, and to the relationship. This means a commitment in which both people promise to treat their bond as sacred, especially when there are children involved, even when life gets hard, so that the likelihood of having a partner to share life's inevitable trials, sorrows, challenges, and triumphs is increased--even if it can't be insured.

Dear Betsy,

I am a 43-year old woman with 3 young sons. I have been married twice. The first time I was quite young and the marriage lasted 9 years. It ended due to infertility. My second marriage lasted under 4 years, and ended with violence. I got three wonderful children out of this union who mean the world to
me.

My question is this: I have been living with the same gentleman for 5 years. He is a wonderful partner, he loves my children as his own, and he is an all around great person. There's one glich. He doesn't believe in marriage, and I do.

It is becoming quite a problem. I understand that he feels marriage is a "religious" ceremeony, and he is not religious, but to me it is more than that. Marriage provides a couple--and in particular, children--with certain social benefits: legal status, a feeling of legitimacy, and a sense of normalcy for kids.

Am I crazy to think this way? My kids keep asking when are we going to get married? Up until now it hasn't bothered me that much. But recently it is really pulling at my heartstrings. We've had several heated conversations about it.

What do you think??? Should I count my lucky stars I have such a great partner and be content? Why is it bothering me so much?????

Thanks for your help,

Going crazy

Dear G.C.,

Writing you from Edinburgh just now, where I just read a survey about Western Europeans' views on marriage. Apparently, a slight majority of them feel that a "committed relationship" needn't have the authority of a legal ceremony to be legitimate. My question for you isn't whether your partner's willing to commit to you on paper, but rather whether he's truly committed to you, meaning is he willing to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship going and growing over the long haul?

I understand a woman's desire for marriage, especially a woman with children. But the divorce statistics--along with your own experience--prove that marriage dosn't provide any guarantees that love will last. What really matters is a couple's shared committed to each other, and to the relationship. This means a commitment in which both people promise to treat their bond as sacred, especially when there are children involved, even when life gets hard, so that the likelihood of having a partner to share life's inevitable trials, sorrows, challenges, and triumphs is increased--even if it can't be insured.

Is it possible that your partner would be willing to participate in a commitment ceremony or civil service with a judge (which would make your union legal and offer you all the protections of a marriage without the religious aspects he may find objectionable)? This would give you a chance to honor, acknowledge, and celebrate your commitment in the presence of your friends, family, and in particular, children? That might help you and your kids feel more comfortable and secure, without forcing your partner to do something he doesn't believe in or want to support for philosophical or political reasons.

I don't think you're crazy to want some kind of commitment ceremony. There's a reason people in every culture create rituals to honor important events: marriages, births, coming of age ceremonies. But as an atheist--albeit a married one--I can understand your partner's reluctance to participate in a religious ceremony he does not believe in. That's why I'm suggesting that the two of you create something more personal and fitting for yourselves. Something that reflects your own feelings for and commitment to each other.

Best of luck to you both. Your partner sounds like a prinicipled man and a wonderful partner.

Betsy

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