Playing games can be great fun--if you're both playing--and the game is one you've both chosen to spice up your relationship. Unfortunately, that's not the situation here. At this point, "playing it coy" would not only be dishonest, but disrespectful to your husband--who is struggling hard to keep his head above water--and to you, who are struggling to stay connected to a man whose lifeboat has drifted out to sea.

Dear Betsy,

I got married in '05, when my husband and I were deeply in love. I'm still in love but he's become so depressed that he says he loves me, but is not "in love with me."

Before we were married he was on an antidepressant to deal with his first wife's death in '03. Last May he decided to go off medication. By June his feelings toward me had drastically changed. Since November we have been seeing a counselor. I see very slow progress, but I still get mixed messages from my husband. Sometimes he misses me and is close to me and other times he shuts me out completely.

The counselor says he did not grieve properly after his wife's death. At our last session she recommended that he see his doctor and start back on medication. He has an appointment in a couple of weeks. Until then he's staying with his parents.

The counselor also told me privately that I should start "acting mysterious" as a way to win him back. I'm tempted to tell him to stay where he is when he says he wants to come home, but the real problem is that this isn't what I want.

He and I have always been honest with each other. We've never played games with each other and I thought that once we got married, games would never enter the picture again.

Dear Crest-fallen,
I suspect that your husband was very much in love with you when you got married and that he sincerely believed that the love you shared was strong enough to heal his pain and loss and help him move on. I also suspect that he's still in love with you, but that the powerful undertow of grief is pulling him down.

One of the most disturbing aspect of the grieving process--especially grieving that's associated with an unexpected or unnatural death (meaning the death of a young person as opposed to someone who's lived a long and full life)--is that it often takes an unpredictable, rocky, and uneven course.

This might explain your husband's fluctuating feelings for you: Sometimes he's present, sometimes not. Sometimes he can stay connected to his feelings for you. Other times his grief takes him far, far away.

I agree with your negative reaction to the therapist's suggestion that you "be mysterious." Playing games can be great fun--if you're both playing--and the game is one you've both chosen to spice up your relationship.

Unfortunately, that's not the situation here. At this point, "playing it coy" would not only be dishonest, but disrespectful to your husband--who is struggling hard to keep his head above water--and to you, who are struggling to stay connected to a man whose lifeboat has drifted out to sea.

The thing to remember is that grieving is generally a lonely, painful process. It almost always takes people far away from those who love them and want to help.

I think your best strategy would be to work on being more compassionate, patient, and honest, and asking your husband to work on being more compassionate, patient, and honest with you. That way, you'll know where he goes inside when he's far away, instead having to wonder. And he'll know that you really care and are trying to understand his experience so he doesn't feel so isolated and alone in his grief.

I know this must be very very difficult for you. If you can deepen your love and compassion for your husband, there's still a good chance that you can get through this together. But there's no rushing the grieving process, which can take many years and which for many people is never completely over.

Best of luck to you,

Betsy