Ask Betsy - Relationship Advice from Betsy Sansby, LMFT: The thrill is gone. . . Can you ever get it back?

Desire can come from two directions--from within or from without. Desire-from-within flows naturally. It's a mysterious, intoxicating process--a powerful blend of chemistry and fantasy. Neuroscientists now believe that this kind of desire is probably determined by our genes, who pick up genetic compatibility through things like pheremones and smell. Desire-from-without is a different animal altogether. It doesn�t flow naturally or automatically--except on occasion, and with conscious, on-going effort at both the physical and emotional level.

Dear Betsy,
My husband and I have been having problems in the bedroom. His affection towards me gradually waned until the only time I got any was when he wanted sex. Last spring we took a trip to Italy in the hopes of reconnecting. We ended up fighting more than we sparked any romance.
A week after we returned from the trip, I left for a 6-wk business trip. Within a week, he met another woman and within two weeks, he told me he didn't love me anymore. I spent the rest of my trip preparing for the end of my marriage.
When I got home, my husband had changed his mind. He said he got involved with the other woman out of loneliness. He said he did still love me and begged me to forgive and forget for what he had done. He promised he would change.
After four months of marriage counseling, my husband has made many of the changes he promised. There have been many times we almost gave up, but it looks like we may have reached a place where we can move on and rebuild our marriage.
The problem is that in the process, I have lost just about all the attraction I used to have for him. I now do anything I can to avoid any intimacy beyond a quick kiss. I go to bed many hours after he does in hopes that he'll be too tired to do anything once I get there. When I do give in to sex to keep him happy, I feel empty and I count the seconds until it is over. Our reconciliation is so fragile that I am not able to talk to him about this.
Will my sexual feelings return as our relationship heals? Should I force myself to show affection I don't feel in hopes that this will help the feelings return? Can a marriage be sustained without healthy intimacy?
Signed,
The Thrill is Gone

Dear Thrill-Seeker,

Rekindling desire is often a tricky proposition, especially when there's been a betrayal. And if there wasn’t much desire to begin with—which may or may not be the case with you and your husband—the issue becomes even more difficult.

Desire can come from two directions—from within or from without. Desire-from-within flows naturally. It’s a mysterious, intoxicating process--a powerful blend of chemistry and fantasy. Neuroscientists now believe that this kind of desire is probably determined by our genes, which can pick up genetic compatibility through things like pheremones and smell.

This is one explanation for why we're often attracted to people we know are dead-wrong for us. We know it. Our friends know it. But we don't care. Desire-from-within defies logic, refuses to be silenced, and requires no effort to maintain. When two people share this kind of desire, it can lead to ecstasy . . . or destruction. But when only one person has it for the other, it can lead to torture for one or both people.

Desire-from-without is a different animal altogether. It doesn’t flow naturally or automatically--except on occasion, and with conscious, on-going effort at both the physical and emotional level.

For example, two people who start out with a fabulous love connection and only a mild physical attraction can have a passionate sexual relationship. But this takes effort to sustain, and begins with an openness to facing and then working on a problem that's nobody's fault. This requires good self-esteem, a lot of love, a ton of patience, and a willingness to learn how to turn each other on. With the right attitude and the right moves, your bodies will respond.

Communication is key here, because in order to figure out what's going to turn each of you on, you'll to need to talk about sex and you'll need to show each other what you like. If you need help, there are lots of great books, videos, and sex therapists out there.

One thing to remember is that over time, even couples who start out with strong desire-from-within eventually may have problems in the bedroom. That's because desire is fueled by all sorts of factors that naturally diminish over time: sex hormones, novelty, scarcity, and a sense of ‘otherness,' danger, and insecurity. Emotional intimacy, deep friendship, familiarity, and the natural aging process, reduce all of these factors. So even hot couples have to work at keeping their sex-life alive.

As for you and your husband, it's hard to know what is getting in the way of your desire. I suspect that until you've addressed the betrayal that began long before his affair, you'll continue to struggle in the bedroom. I'm sure you're still hurt and angry about being sexually rejected early in your marriage. I think it's going to be difficult to move on without first going back to heal that pain. If you're both willing to do this work, your relationship will get better, in and outside of the bedroom.