Ask Betsy - Relationship Advice from Betsy Sansby, LMFT: Husband is frantic when wife finally gives him the boot

If your wife has a shred of self-esteem left, she's not going to let you get close enough to hurt her again. She's going to need to see sustained effort and consistent change over a long period of time. I'm talking about real evidence, not empty promises. I'm talking about fundamental, hard won changes that take real work and last a lifetime--not frantic, superficial maneuvers designed to win her back.

Dear Betsy,

I need help. My husband says he doesn't love me anymore, but cares a lot. At the same time though he was sending signals that he wanted to try.

I think he's just confused and frustrated. I asked about counseling but he said he'd think about it. I guess I want to know if I have a chance here or is it too little too late.

Signed,

Sick with Worry

Dear Sick with Worry,

A person who's been bitten by the same dog over and over would be foolish to trust him again. If you have repeatedly lied to your wife, why would you expect her to give you another chance? She'd either have to be crazy or self-destructive. It sounds to me like she is neither.

The only chance you have of ever winning your wife back is if you choose to do your inner work, with or without her. That means talking to a therapist or sponsor about how you got into the habit of lying to people in the first place, and doing whatever it takes to heal from whatever it was that got you started.

If, over time, your wife sees that you're truly committed to being healthy, she may be moved to give you another chance. But if she were my client, my advice to her would be to protect herself by going slow, and being very cautious about letting you back in.

I can tell you one thing: Making more promises isn't going to work. If your wife has a shred of self-esteem left, she's not going to let you get close enough to hurt her again.

She's going to need to see sustained effort and consistent change over a long period of time. I'm talking about real evidence, not empty promises. I'm talking about fundamental, hard won changes that take real work and last a lifetime--not frantic, superficial maneuvers designed to win her back.

The good news for you is that giving up lying is going to make your life better, too. No more covering your tracks, worrying about being "found out," or feeling like a real heel. Living with integrity is hard work. Living without it--as you're finding out--can be pure hell.