Too often women try to explain what hurts them by attacking their partners, rather than owning their own insecurities, judgments, defensiveness, and preferences. For example, instead of making a request for a modification in their partner's behavior, women often launch an attack on their partner's character, or gender.

Dear Betsy,

Recently my husband and I went to a festival where many bands were playing and young women dressed as fairies were dancing in the audience. At some point, my husband leaned over and--motioning toward a bare-bellied fairy-- whispered, "You're jealous, aren't you?" When I asked why he thought that he said he'd been watching my face while I watched her dance.

The fairy was maybe 20... I just turned 50 and I've had three children. Naturally, I was hurt and very angry and I told him so. His response was "I was just kidding." I was so angry we ended up leaving the festival a day early.

Previous to the fairy incident I've had to deal with various comments like this. First there was the old girlfriend who "thought he should always wear blue . . . because of his fabulous eyes." Then it was the "Barbie Doll" at work who had the big crush on him.

I don't know how to deal with the emotional aftermath of the trip and I can't help feeling that if this continues we may not make it. I know I get reactive, but I'm afraid that if he can't stop, it may destroy our marriage.

Do you think this problem is fixable? I do love my husband, and in all fairness, the man was never married before and he was 50 years old when we got married. Maybe what he's doing is just a bad habit from so many years of single life. What do you think? Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Signed,

Dear Fed Up,

Too often women try to explain what hurts them by attacking their partners, rather than owning their own insecurities, judgments, defensiveness, and preferences. For example, instead of making a request for a modification in their partner's behavior, women often launch an attack on their partner's character, or gender.

This almost never works because instead of increasing understanding and compassion, it triggers defensiveness. I recommend that you have a thoughtful, respectful, and honest talk with your husband in which you focus on your sensitivity--versus his obnoxious behavior.

Try saying something like: "I'm sure you've noticed that I get uncomfortable and defensive when you talk about ex-girlfriends or women at work, or you make jokes about younger women's bodies. When you do this, it makes me feel insecure about myself, and concerned about the future of our relationship. It also makes me feel less sexual toward you, partly because I'm hurt and angry, but also because I'm afraid that you're really interested in younger women. Knowing this, would you be willing to stop making comments to me about other women?"

I suspect that if you tell your husband all of this--without blaming him for your reactions or making him wrong for being a man (meaning that he still finds women attractive, and likes knowing that women still find him attractive), I believe he'll be happy to work on behavior he knows pushes you away.

Let me know how it goes.

Signed,

Betsy