Dear Betsy,

I need help. My husband says he doesn't love me anymore, but cares a lot. At the same time though he was sending signals that he wanted to try.

I think he's just confused and frustrated. I asked about counseling but he said he'd think about it. I guess I want to know if I have a chance here or is it too little too late.

Signed,

Sad and Scared

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Dear Sad and Scared,


As long as your husband's willing to try, there's hope. But a lot will depend on his answers to these three questions:

1. Is there someone else in the picture? (Men generally don't leave a relationship unless they've got someone else lined up.)
2. Is he willing to throw himself into counseling for the next 3 months to figure out what's really possible for the two of you? (This is the minimum time commitment I require of any couple I see who wants to save their marriage.)
   
3. Is he depressed? (Undiagnosed depression--especially in men--often presents as irritation, a lack of passion, or unhappiness with a spouse.)

I've seen amazing transformations happen after only a brief round of competent marital therapy. But this only works if there's no one else waiting in the wings, both partners are committed to working on the relationship, and neither partner has an undiagnosed or untreated depression or other mental illness.

Usually, what couples lack isn't a desire to make their relationship work, but rather, the clarity and perspective to see what's really going on, and the skills to do something different. A competent marriage & family therapist can diagnose problems, help you see the part each of you has played in developing and maintaining those problems, and can teach you skills necessary to correct them.


Best of luck,

Betsy