As one of my male clients put it, 'My wife doesn't want me to be her husband. She wants me to be her girlfriend!' And in some ways, he's right. Most likely, his wife wants him to listen to her like a girlfriend, but continue to change her oil like a man.

Dear Betsy,

My marriage is in trouble. I have been referred to as suffocating and not evolving. I love my wife very much and would give her the world. I believe she still loves me but right now she is very distant. We are going to see a counselor so I guess this is a positive. We have 3 wonderful children and I am willing to fight for our marriage. I don't know what to say and usually she is not very talkative. What am I doing wrong? Shed some light please.

Signed,

Mr. Flintstone

My first recommendation is that you get two wonderful books, and then read them. The first is called: The Secrets of Happily Married Men. It was written by a friend of mine named, Scott Haltzman. He based the book on data he collected from men online about the characteristics of those men who were happily married. The second book is by a Boston psychologist named, Terrence Real. It's called: The New Rules of Marriage. I recommend you read the books and talk to your wife about what you're learning. Even better would be if you read the books together and talk about how you relate to what the authors are saying.

Both authors do a great job of explaining to men why their wives are so chronically exasperated with them. After all, most of these men are perfectly fine human beings who work hard for their families, and aren't out having affairs or drinking themselves into oblivion. Like you, the majority of them claim to love their wives dearly and would do anything to please them. The problem is that what they do to please their wives isn't working. They're either not doing enough or they're not doing the right things.

In general, women do want more from their men! Mostly, what they want is to be heard and understood, not to be pacified or bribed with gifts or promises (not that women don't like gifts, they just don't like gifts with strings attached.).

As one of my male clients put it, "My wife doesn't want me to be her husband. She wants me to be her girlfriend!" And in some ways, he's right. Most likely, his wife wants him to listen to her like a girlfriend, but continue to change her oil like a man.

What I mean is that she probably wants him to listen to her without rushing in to give advice or or solve her problems. And I can almost promise you, she doesn't want to be groped. When a women feels unloved or misunderstood, what she wants from her male partner is his emotional interest and support---not sex. If she gets the former, he is more likely to get the latter . . . although not always, and not right away.

The books should be a great help in understanding your wife. The rest is up to you.

Best of luck,

Betsy