It may turn out that your partner is faultless. On the other hand, your partner may be a slippery snake--in which case clinging could prove lethal. The truth is, even if all your insecurities are justified, clinginess won't solve anything, since it causes the Clinger to become anxious, fearful, and obsessed with the minutiae of another person's life.

Dear Betsy,

When is a woman being needy and clingy? What is the cause of it? I can't figure out if it is low self-esteem or just impatience that causes it. How can i stop my self?

Signed,

Clinger

Clinginess can be caused by many things, including: abandonment issues related to childhood , low self-esteem, or insecurity.

For example, if you grew up with a mother or father who was inconsistent, unresponsive, or absent a lot, it would be natural to feel insecure or clingy when your partner pulls away. If you grew up in a family where one parent was unfaithful, alcoholic, dishonest, or conditionally loving, it would be natural to find yourself overreacting to small things your partner does that might not bother other people: occasional lateness, the appearance of a card or email from a co-worker, the scent of alcohol on your partner's breath, or friendliness to an attractive waitress or stranger.

I suggest that you do some Reality Testing to figure out how much of your clinginess is related to your own insecurities and how much might be intuition about the person you're involved with. Talk to people you respect, those you know will be honest with you. Ask them for feedback on your situation.

It may turn out that your partner is faultless. On the other hand, your partner may be a slippery snake--in which case clinging could prove lethal. The truth is, even if all your insecurities are justified, clinginess won't solve anything, since it causes the Clinger to become anxious, fearful, and obsessed with the minutiae of another person's life.

If the problem is with you, it may be helpful to do some individual therapy. A good therapist will help you learn how to choose healthy partners, and soothe your own overreactive central nervous system when symptoms of anxiety and fear crop up.

If the problem is with your partner--meaning that you've chosen someone who is either disrespectful or is just not that into you, I would suggest turning your body around and quickly running the other way.

Best of luck,

Betsy