Dear Betsy,

I really need help. My 38 year old wife of 17 yrs. wants a divorce. I just found out she has a 22 year old boyfriend and seems deeply in love w/ him. We have 3 kids, 16, 11, and 9. She won't talk to me or give me a chance to show love. I am using Get A Life techniques used by Divorce Busters but it doesn't seem to be working. She refuses to go to counseling and has committed herself to divorce.

She has been carrying on the affair for at least 4 months and is in constant contact w/ him. She is living a fantasy when with him, going to sporting events, staying in hotels, and eating out. She doesn't spend hardly any time w/ our kids and absolutely no time w/ me. She says she no longer loves me and wants out. No more chances. Just out. My family and hers know she is nuts for doing this but are unable to change her mind. Please help me with any insight you might have.

Signed,

Husband of Walk-Away Wife

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Dear Husband,

It does sound like your wife is in an altered state?which is what makes it next to impossible to reason with her. How interesting that she's fallen for a man who is about the same age as she was when the two of you got married. I'm sure that being with a 22 year old is making her feel young again, which at 38 must be an exhilarating, intoxicating feeling. So she's in touch with her excitement, and excitement argues with no one. Obviously, what she's not in touch with is the ultimate cost of acting on this excitement to her children, her husband, and to herself.

Kids aren't stupid. Even though they can't possibly understand everything that's going on, they feel everything their parents are going through. Parents who act in dishonest, strange, irresponsible, or inappropriate ways must understand that this is frightening to their children. Instead of being able to focus on their own lives, these children become anxious, hypervigilant, and codependently attentive to their parents' needs and behavior.

Our children look to us to make sense of the world. If we say one thing and do another, our children naturally feel angry and confused. They look to us to make sense of their world.

Parents who disconnect from their children because of their own personal problems (infidelity, unhappiness, immaturity, chemical abuse, etc.), leave their children feeling unsupported, unloved, helpless and unsafe. Some of these children will act out. Others will try to "be perfect," in order to make their parents love them again. Still others will cut off their feelings and eventually become depressed.

I'm not sure you're going to be able to talk your wife out of being with her young lover, but I'm absolutely certain that at some point in the not-too-distant future, she's going to tire of him. A 22 year old man has little to offer a mature woman, especially one with three children. When the thrill wears off, and the dumb things he talks about start to get on her nerves, she's likely to crash. You'll need to think about what you want to do when that happens. She may or may not decide to return to the marriage, but she will never stay with this young man.

My advice is to focus on your children, and to insist that your wife stay as involved with them as possible. They don't need to know any of the details about her boyfriend, but they do need to know they can still count on her (and you) to be there for them. The best you can do right now is be a good dad. Resist the temptation to talk to your kids about your wife's indiscretion or behavior. It's okeay to tell them that you and your wife aren't getting along well. But they need to feel safe. The more normal you can keep things for them, the healthier they're going to be. It would probably feel good to have someone to talk to abotu all of this. And if you suspect that your children are struggling, it would be good for them to talk to a child therapist.

It's important for you to stay strong and healthy for your children's sake. It's bad enough to have one parent absent. They need to know you--and the extended family--are there for them, no matter what.

Best of luck to you,

Betsy