It's important to talk about what led to this behavior. What's missing in your marriage that you crossed the line with another woman? Are you crossing the line elsewhere, with inappropriate speech or touch?

Dear Betsy,

I sent some inappropiate text messages to another woman and i told my wife about them. Now I
don't know what to do.

Signed,

In the Doghouse

____________________________________________________

Dear In the Doghouse,

Telling your wife about your inappropriate behavior is a great way to start the repair process. But you must know that this is only the beginning of what will probably be a much longer process. Breaking trust takes one thoughtless act. Rebuilding trust can take a lifetime. Your next move should be to cut off all ties with the other woman. Sometimes this is not possible, either because you work with her, or because she's related to you in some way that makes zero contact impossible. In that case, I recommend that you draft an email to the woman clearly stating that you are married, you're committed to your wife, and you do not want any further email contact with her.

It's important to have your wife read and edit this email with you before you send it, so she doesn't have to wonder what's in it. She needs to feel completely supported by you. Keep the email short and make sure that your focus is on repairing the relationship between you and your wife. The other woman may be hurt by what you say, but she's likely to move on much faster than your wife. Pledging your loyalty to your wife---assuming you really are loyal to her---is far more important than taking care of the other woman's feelings.

Once you've done all this, it's important to talk about what led you to send these inappropriate messages to another woman. What's been missing in your marriage that has caused you to cross the line with another woman? Are you crossing the line elsewhere, with inappropriate speech or touch? What did you get from sending the messages? For example, have you been feeling starved for affection in your marriage? Do you have small children who have been taking up much of your wife's attention? Was the contact with this woman a way for you to get positive attention or validation from a woman? Is this something new, or have you done similar things in the past? Do you or anyone in your family have a love or sex addiction? Was your dad faithful to your mom? Do you find yourself getting bored with your relationship once it gets comfortable?

These questions that may help you understand why you did what you did, and what's fueling this itch. If you want to deepen your relationship with your wife, you'll need to address these questions before something like this happens again. I applaud your honesty in telling your wife what you've done. I'm sure it still stung, but the sting would have been far worse if your wife had discovered the emails herself, rather than having you come forward with them yourself. You may still be in the doghouse, but had she found them herself, you would have been in the alley.

Best of luck to you,

Betsy