Men have a harder time giving up partying than women do. This is because when men get married, they tend to lose contact with their male friends. Your husband and his buddies probably sense that this is what will happen if he stops going out with them. Most men's relationships do suffer when they get married and start a family.

Dear Betsy,

I have been married for 3 weeks!!! He is an awesome guy, very family oriented, the man of my dreams! But we need help! How do I encourage him to stay home more without making him feel like I'm trying to control him? He's 25 years old, and now more than ever he thinks he has to be gone every evening! I don't want to threaten to leave, as I have in the past, but it's too much. Plus, we have a child on the way. I don't know how else to get him to take me seriously!

He thinks I'm jealous because I can't run around like he can, and sure, I'd like to have more free time. But it's really not jealousy that motivates me. I work all day, and the one thing I look forward is coming home and having alone time with my husband. We have no time together!

He can't understand. He thinks I don't trust him and thinks I'm out of line, since he's not "running around on me." How do I tell him I feel like he's running around on me with his friends! I don't want to control him I just want to be with him! Please help. Whatever I'm doing isn't working. Thanks so much!

Signed,

What the @#%!

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Dear What the @#%!,

Your story sounds all too familiar: A young couple gets married. The wife gets pregnant. The husband gets spooked by all the responsibility that's just about to hit him. The wife, whose nesting hormones have just kicked in, starts picking out names. And the husband, whose fear hormones have just kicked in, starts partying as if there's no tomorrow. And while the wife's girlfriends are all excited and jealous and planning baby showers, the husband's friends and are all freaked out, and worried, and start encouraging the guy to "resist being controlled," and hold onto his freedom.

My suggestion is that you approach your husband in a gentle and loving way, preferably after lovemaking, when men tend to be much more open and vulnerable. I'd ask him how he feels about being married, and how he feels about the prospect of becoming a father. Then I'd ask him how he envisions the next 9 months together. It's fine to tell him you've noticed that he's gone a lot, and that you miss him, and worry that you're losing touch with him at a time when you really want and need to feel connected. It's fine to tell him that you feel hurt and scared about this. Just remember to keep the focus on how much you love and miss him, and not on how irresponsible he's being by hanging out with his friends. You won't get anywhere by tearing down his friends. My guess is that your husband is terrified. Because he's never been married, he doesn't know what he can expect to gain by giving up his freedom. He only knows what he stands to lose.

Marriage is an adjustment for everyone. But in general, men have a harder time giving up their "freedom to party" than women do. I think this is because when men get married, they tend to lose contact with their male friends when they stop partying together. Your husband and his buddies probably sense that this is what will happen if he stops going out with them. And he's right to be afraid. Most men's relationships do suffer when they get married and start a family.

Women are different. When they get married, they still maintain contact with their girlfriends. They make time to talk on the phone, shop, have lunch together. And when they have kids, they deepen their friendships by getting to know each other's children. They make play dates together. This allows them to stay connected and their children get to know each other. As their kids grow, they continue to love and support each other.

For these reasons, most women I work with are only too happy to give up the party scene. They don't miss it because they haven't lost anything. They only joined the party scene in the first place so they could meet someone special and get the hell out! And once they meet that person, the party scene has served its purpose. They find their man and move on. They've lost nothing in the process.

Understanding the differences between men and women can help you and your husband understand each other. Talking about these differences in a respectful way will help you both make the transition from singledom to married life, and parenthood.

Best of luck to you both,

Betsy