How did your husband get the idea that it's perfectly fine to make or change plans without consulting you? This is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Only a doormat or a dog would accept this king of treatment without complaint.

Dear Betsy,

My husband worked out of town all week. When he came home Thursday night, after asking me if I had anything planned for Friday, he said he was going out with his buddies. We didn't have any plans, but then, we usually don't. We just drop our daughter off at her grandparents and the two of us go out.

He left at 5pm, just as I got home from work, and he didn't get home until 9pm. Then we both went to hang out with his buddies. I didn't really want to go, but I went because I wanted to be with him.

Saturday morning he got up at 6am and went hunting with his buddies. He said he'd be home at 1pm but didn't come home until 5pm. I was upset. He'd been out of town all week and I wanted to spend time together. He said I was wrong for getting mad at him for being late. Am I wrong for being upset?

Signed,

Confused

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Dear Confused,

Like many couples, I think you're fighting about the wrong things. The problem isn't that your husband came home late from hunting. It isn't even that he wanted to hang out with his buddies after work. Those are symptoms of the problem, but they're not The Problem. The Problem seems to be that your husband has forgotten he's in a relationship with someone deserving of attention, consideration and respect.

I'm wondering how he got the idea that it's perfectly fine for him to make or change plans without consulting you, and how he got the idea that he no longer needs to honor his time agreements with you. This is disrespectful and inconsiderate, and would cause any self-respecting woman to feel hurt, unimportant, and unloved.

So no, I don't think you're wrong for being upset. Only a doormat or a dog would tolerate this kind of behavior without complaint. My suggestion is that you send him an Ouch card (which you can do for free from the homepage of this site) and let him know how you're feeling. This is a good way to express your hurt in a respectful way. This will increase--although not insure--that he will be able to hear your point of view, without getting defensive. The worst thing for your relationship would be for you to ignore or excuse this kind of behavior. If you do, it will only get worse.

Best of luck,

Betsy