Men freeze up when women get hurt or angry and start pressing them for answers. Women are better prepared for these discussions. They stay up half the night thinking about an issue, and talk about it with their best friends for hours the next day. By the time they raise an issue with their partner, they know exactly what they're feeling and they want answers!

Hi Betsy,

I'm trying to understand the purpose of the 'silent treatment'.

The reason I'm asking is because I've been dating a man who continually does this whenever we have an argument. He will go weeks without speaking to me until I come around to him. He either breaks up with me or disappears whenever I have an issue with something within the relationship. It doesn't matter how I bring the subject up (ie. calmly, concerned or angry). He always gets angry, storms out and begins his silent treatment.

Logically, it's beside the point now as I have had enough and told him that if he did it again I was done with this relationship. He did and I am done.

But emotionally I would like to understand the silent treatment so I can understand what the person instigating it hopes to accomplish by giving it.

Thank you,

Sounds of Silence

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Dear SS,

The silent treatment--otherwise known as bad-vibing, pouting, stonewalling, or being passive-aggressive--is an infuriating relationship strategy adopted by both men and women. What I find most interesting about the silent treatment, is that this single strategy serves so many purposes. It can be used to:

1. Control others.
2. Gain control of oneself.
3. Protect oneself from harm.
4. Protect others from being harmed.

The reason silence is such a powerful weapon of control is because it so quickly triggers feelings of abandonment, guilt, fear, or responsibility in others. Most people would rather be yelled at than be ignored or treated with silent contempt by someone they love. Partners--as well as parents, bosses, siblings--who use the silent treatment to control others are usually well aware of the vulnerabilities of their victims. They know their partners (children, employees, or sibs) will do almost anything to restore harmony to the relationship, even if that means giving up their own needs to keep the peace. When used in this way, the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

But not everyone who uses the silent treatment is trying to control others. Often, especially with men, the silent treatment is used to gain control of their own overwhelming emotions. Men are particularly vulnerable to being overwhelmed, especially in their interactions with women. Brain researchers have confirmed that women are generally better able to identify and express their own emotions than men are. And they're quick to pressure men to do the same. When men are pressured to talk about feelings before they're ready, their brains freeze up, and they shut down. Then they withdraw. They're not trying to control anyone. They're overwhelmed. Their brain circuits are receiving too much information. They pull away simply to regain control of themselves.

The third reason people use the silent treatment is to protect themselves from harm--real or imagined. Whenever we feel threatened--emotionally or physically--our brain circuits get flooded with adrenaline. We feel scared. Our bodies go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Shutting down is another term for freeze mode. It's what rabbits do when they see an owl circling overhead. Their bodies freeze in order to protect themselves from harm.

This is what happens to men when the women they're with get hurt or angry and start pressing them for answers. Usually, the woman is well-prepared for the discussion. She's stayed up half the night thinking about it, and she's already talked about it with her best friend. She knows what she's feeling. She even thinks she knows what he's feeling. She talks fast. She's filled with emotion. She makes her argument. She cites evidence.

Her boyfriend on the other hand, just got blind-sided. He didn't even know he was in trouble. Or if he did, he was hoping it would go away. He feels like a rabbit that's just been cornered and is now being poked and prodded. He's out-smarted. Out-talked. Unprepared. Overwhelmed. He freezes. He shuts down. The silent treatment is automatic. It feels like the only way he can protect himself from being attacked.

The last reason people resort to the silent treatment is to protect others from harm. Remember, when people feel threatened, their bodies do one of three things: fight, flee, or freeze. A lot of factors determine which response each of us will favor. For example, kids who grow up in families where yelling, hitting and power-tripping are the norm, tend to become adults who yell, hit, and power-trip others. Men who want better relationships with their partners, children, and friends than the relationships they grew up with, must learn to restrain their urges to vent their anger whenever they feel threatened or hurt. Until they learn how to identify and express their hurts, often their only method for protecting others from harm, is by shutting down. They see shutting down as a loving act that keeps them from harming their partner, not a form of torture (as it often feels like).

Understanding the purpose behind another person's destructive behavior is critical to improving your relationship with that person. Discussing it with your partner is the first step in changing this dynamic in your relationship.

Best of luck,

Betsy