It's important to understand that novelty, the illusion of danger, scarcity, and
a sense of "the Other" are ingredients that are known to increase desire.  Sadly, these ingredients
are opposite from those that increase emotional intimacy: familiarity, security,
commitment, consistency, comfort, safety.

Dear Betsy,

My husband just told me that he's been having feelings for another woman for about 2 years now. Nothing has happened but she is in his mind constantly. He wants to stay married and says that he still loves me very much. How can I help him end the relationship in his head?

Signed,

"Linda Blair"

____________________________________________

Dear Linda,

Before I can help you help your husband end the obsession he's been having with another woman, I'd need to know a lot of other things first. For example, how sure are you that what your husband is describing as an obsession is really just an obsession and not a full-blown affair? In other words, are you certain that his feelings for this other woman have never gone beyond the fantasy stage?

This is the first question I'd want to explore. I'd also want to know what the other woman's involvement is in maintaining or encouraging your husband's fantasies about her. It's certainly possible that she is completely oblivious of your husband's interest, and that he is simply projecting his own erotic fantasies onto her. This wouldn't be unusual, nor is it necessarily dangerous to your relationship--as long as your husband's fantasies about this woman aren't getting in the way of his feelings for you. In fact, innocent fantasies can do wonders for couples who still love each other, but whose erotic lives have lost some spark.

On the other hand, it's possible that this woman is both aware of and is encouraging your husband's fantasies.

It's important to understand that novelty, the illusion of danger, scarcity, and a sense of "the Other" are ingredients that are known to increase desire. Unfortunately, these ingredients are opposite from those that increase emotional intimacy: familiarity, security, commitment, consistency, comfort, safety. Committed couples who want to keep their sexual relationships alive need to make a point of keeping things fresh by introducing healthy doses of novelty and fantasy into their lives.

At this point, I don't know what's going on for your husband. But it doesn't sound like he's taking the sexual charge he's feeling for this fantasy woman and converting it into excitement for you.

So here are my other questions: What was going on for your husband two years ago that made him vulnerable to drifting toward another woman in ways that now feel threatening? What was going on for you at that time that may have increased the likelihood of this happening?

Sometimes the birth of a child is a trigger for men. Think about it: Before a child was born a man gets the undivided attention and physical affections of his lover. But once a child is born, his lover abandons him. Now she's showering love and affection on somebody else, and is too tired, too cranky, too busy, or too distracted be interested in sex. And even though a man may understand what's happening and support it intellectually, this doesn't prevent him from feeling abandoned, rejected, undesireable, horny, and unloved.

Depression can be another trigger, as can any significant loss, including: the loss of a job, a friend, one's health. All of these can cause a man to feel flat, unattractive and bored.

Having a woman to obsess about can be a way to fill this void and temporarily lift a man's spirits. Having another woman who gives your husband attention can temporarily make him feel more attractive, more important, more interesting, and more alive.

What I would suggest is that you try to have an honest conversation with your husband about all of these questions. I suggest that you both try to stay in a place of goodwill, compassion, and curiosity.

It's easy, and completely understandable, to feel angry, self-righteous, and punishing. But trust me, it won't get you anywhere to talk from this place. You might be able to get your husband to feel guilty and shameful, but that won't keep him from obsessing, or worse, acting out. It'll just add a layer of self-loathing to the equation. The best way to increase the likelihood of an honest conversation is to proceed with patience and compassion, even while you are hurt, angry, and afraid.

You can do it.

Kind regards, Betsy