The other woman isn't the problem. Your husband is. You may both be tempted to hide behind the illusion that this woman made your husband do what he did. But the fact is, nobody made your husband do anything.

Dear Betsy,

My hubby left me and has been having an affair with his best friend's wife. He believes he's in love with her, but since she hasn't left her hubby yet, he's moved back in with me. And he wants a divorce.

It's clear he's just waiting. In the meantime, he wants to live here with me and the kids, sleep in another room, and not be together. What do I do? I love him so much it hurts. Should I tell the other woman to stop calling my hubby so he and I can work it out? I already her husband and told him our spouses were still talking to each other. He didn't believe it and called the police on me for harassment. My hubby told me everything. How do I get her to leave my man alone? What am I supposed to do?

Signed,

Soon-To-Be Ex-Wife
__________________________________________________________

Dear STB,

First of all, if your husband intends to continue his affair, he should pack his bags and move out. After all, he made a commitment of fidelity to you when he married you. He has broken that commitment, and along with it, your heart. So unless your husband is willing to end his affair right now and work on his marriage, there's nothing to gain by allowing him to live in your home. It's selfish of him to even ask for this privilege, and it's beyond humiliating for you to put up with it. You are not a doormat. Do not allow yourself to be treated like one.

And what about your children? Having your husband move back home-- only to leave again when the coast is clear with his girlfriend--can only be confusing to your children. They know that Daddy left for awhile and that Mommy's been crying a lot. If Daddy moves back home again, then they're going to believe that Mommy's not mad at Daddy anymore and that Daddy's come home to stay. And if this isn't true, then it's the wrong message to be sending your children. And it's likely to backfire on you and damage your relationship with them because when Daddy moves out again, they are going to blame you making him leave.

As for calling the other woman, forget it. The other woman isn't the problem. Your husband is. You may both be tempted to hide behind the illusion that this woman made your husband do what he did. But the fact is, nobody made your husband do anything. In spite of how he may act, your husband is a grown-up. He's a married man with children. He chose to take off his clothes and have sex with another woman. She did not make him do this. The man is 100% responsible for the choices he made. Period.

So, what do you do from here? If your husband were committed to saving your marriage--which he's not--I'd say start couples therapy. But your husband isn't going to therapy. He's made up his mind: he wants a divorce.

So why torture yourself any further? You have zero to gain by allowing this man to live in your home while he waits for his girlfriend to end her marriage. It works for him to suggest this because your house is more comfortable, more convenient, and less work than staying at his mother's. And he gets to be with his kids. But this arrangement will not work for you, and as much as your children might want it, it won't work for them either. Seeing their mommy tortured can only be torturous for them.  And having Daddy leave again after moving back home, just more of the same.

If your husband is finished with the marriage, then the marriage is over. Dragging it on is only likely to erode your self-respect and harm your children.

Hold your head up high, and remember that you deserve better. If your husband does not treat you better, you must act in your own behalf.

Best of luck,
Betsy