If you get help for yourself, your relationship will change. I guarantee it. Your husband will either be inspired or threatened by the positive changes in you. If he's inspired he'll step up and start getting help for himself.

Dear Betsy,

My husband refuses to discuss any of our problems, even though I've been telling him I'm unhappy for ten years. Since he won't talk to me, I have developed friendships with other women. He doesn't care because he's not interested in being with me. He never discusses the future, and he maintains a secret relationship with his daughter which he never discusses, unless I question him. It's gotten so bad that I've stopped asking.
Our relationship consists of eating, sleeping, and sharing expenses. I am 56 and he is 59. He says it is mostly my fault our relationship sucks. He wants to live like brother and sister so he can keep the house. I am tired of no communication and always being blamed for why things are a mess.

I don't think there is any love left. When I've suggested we get help he says okay until it's time to follow-through. Then he says "do you really think that will help?"

We do not share a life we just coexist. We almost never have sex and when we do, he's barely able to rise to the occasion. Now he says I am too thin and he is not attracted to me. I told him I'm not attracted to his big gut and his tobacco chewing (bad breath). I am at witts end. I should mention that I've been married three times and he's been married four. Neither of us wants to start over. Suggestions?

Signed,

Tired of Trying

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Dear Tired,

Your story makes me sad. The life you share is not bringing out the best in either of you. I wonder if the only reason you stay together is that you've both had enough failed relationships to know that starting over with someone else is no guarantee of happiness. And while this is true, I believe that if either of you is committed to changing for the better, there is always hope for a better relationship than the one you have.

My suggestion is that you get help for yourself, since that's what you can do, no matter what your husband does. And when you get help for yourself, your relationship will change. I guarantee it. Your husband will either be inspired or threatened by the positive changes he sees in you. If he's inspired, he'll step up, and start getting help for himself. If he's threatened, he may still decide to step up since he'll probably realize that if he doesn't he's likely to lose you. If he doesn't step up, if he gets threatened and digs in his heels, you'll be in a better position to make a decision about what you want to next.

The main thing is, don't give up on yourself. And don't wait for him to join you. Get help. Don't isolate yourself. Join a 12-step or women's group. Find a therapist. Seek out people who are healthy who can nourish your soul.

Best of luck. Remember: You do not have to live this way. You can do things right now to make yourself healthier and happier. You don't have to wait for him.

Betsy