New relationships are intoxicating, especially illicit ones. They contain danger, novelty, fantasy, and chemistry--the perfect recipe for disaster. Anyone high on these mood-altering ingredients is likely to do crazy things they'll later regret.

Dear Betsy,

My story is similar the couple you referred to in the Oct'08 Ladies Home Journal article. I felt like I was reading about my own marriage. I am going through a divorce now. We have a 4-year old and I am very concerned. My husband says he has given up on us, but I have not. Please advise me. Thanks.

Signed,

Hope

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Dear Hope,

In 25 years of experience working with couples, I can't think of too many men who were willing to give up their marriages--especially men with children--unless they were already involved with someone else.

My guess is that your husband's got someone waiting for him in the wings. This doesn't mean it's impossible to save your marriage. But if there is another woman, it will be a lot harder. New relationships are intoxicating, especially illicit ones. They contain danger, novelty, fantasy, and chemistry--the perfect recipe for disaster. Anyone high on these mood-altering ingredients is likely to do crazy things they'll later regret.

All the research shows that married men are healthier and happier than single men. And men know this. That's why they overlap relationships, rather than ending one before starting another.

If you want to save your marriage, I'd start by asking your husband to be honest with you. If the divorce is already underway, he may be willing to tell you if there's another woman. Either way, I'd ask him to push Pause until you've given marriage counseling a try for three months. Let him know that if after three months of really trying, your relationship still hasn't improved, you'll both know you've tried and you'll both be able to part ways knowing you've both tried hard to save your marriage.

I always ask parents to imagine how their kids will view them later in life if they split up now. "How do you want your kids to look back on this time?" "How do you want them to see you?" Nobody wants to harm their children, so doing this thought experiment can be helpful.

I always encourage couples with children to commit to three months of therapy before moving forward with a divorce. If both people commit to working hard on the relationship, this is enough time to see progress. If there's a third party involved, I ask the person who's having the affair to end it completely, and focus on saving the marriage. The affair can wait, but saving the marriage cannot.

I wish you luck.

Betsy