If a friend wanted to fix you up with a man who does drugs, sleeps around, and repeatedly gets himself arrested, you would no doubt question your friendship. I believe we are treated only as well as we believe we deserve to be. To wait around hoping that the wonderful man wearing a jackass costume is going to change, would be a waste of your precious life.

Dear Betsy,

A month ago my ex and I broke up. We were together for almost six years. We have been talking every day now for a couple weeks and he tells me everything. None of his family or friends know it all. Friday he took me to a movie and Sunday we slept together.

Things are good with us, as long as we're alone or with our old friends. But as soon as his new friends ahow up, there's trouble. Drinking and drugs are a big factor. Since the break up, he's been arrested four times. He's also sleeping around with a couple other girls.

Our friends and his family say we should be together. He says he still loves me and wants to have kids someday. He's even admitted to wanting to get back together in the future. I love him and I want to be there for him until we get back together but I don't know how long I can do this. Please help me.

Signed,

Dear What?

When I was a young woman just out of college, I shared a house with four men. We were all single, so we talked a lot about the people we were dating. One night over dinner we were having a discussion about what made women so confusing and so infuriating to men. Ken, a sweet, soft-spoken guy who would have made a fine boyfriend, said "The thing I don't understand about women is how the guy they're with can be a complete jackass 90% of the time, and they can still insist that that's not who he really is...'underneath the jackass'! I say, if he's 90% jackass, then that's who he really is! What's underneath is a guy who's pretending to be nice. What is wrong with these women?"

Although we all laughed at the time, Ken's comments have stuck with me. When it comes to men, women have a tendency to see what they want to see, instead of what is. They see what's "possible," what could be fixed--with a few major nips and tucks, and enough love and care.

I certainly believe that people can change. But I don't believe your man will change as long as he's drinking and doing drugs and getting himself arrested. At this point, you are wasting your life if you wait around for him to grow up. He isn't ready for a committed relationship. He isn't interested in living a sober, healthy, responsible life. That's the truth, no matter what he tells you and no matter what you want to believe.

If a friend wanted to fix you up with a man who does drugs, sleeps around, and repeatedly gets himself arrested, you would no doubt question your friendship. I believe we are treated only as well as we believe we deserve to be. To wait around hoping that the wonderful man wearing a jackass costume is going to change, would be a waste of your precious life. I would focus on building your self-esteem and looking at the ways you settle for less, and make excuses for inexcusable behavior. Your boyfriend isn't working on getting well. He's moving toward disaster. And as sad as it is, you can't save him. You can only save yourself from more heartache by getting away from the chaos that is his life.

My recommendation is that you throw yourself into being with people who are healthy, and are moving in a direction that's consistent with your own values. The man you love is not someone you want to have children with. He's an out-of-control teenager who is only looking to meet his own needs...often at other's expense.

Good luck to you.

Betsy