The road to recovery from abuse is one that requires a special kind of support. It needs to include accurate feedback from kind, healthy people who can help you rebuild your self-esteem and see that you are a wonderful person deserving of great love, tenderness, and respect. People who will remind you over and over that making mistakes is human, not evidence of weakness, stupidity, or fundamental inferiority.

Dear Betsy,

My former husband was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I did not see this side of him until three months after our marriage. Is it okay to ask my new boyfriend's former wife if such abuse ever occurred in their marriage? My boyfriend has suggested I do this and has even provided contact information.

By the way, I have been asked similar questions in the past and have given information I'm sure was helpful. Of course, I understand that people do change. Thank you for your time.

Signed,

Dear Better,

No matter how many times I hear a story like yours, it always saddens me. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I think one of the most painful things about being in abusive relationships is how isolating they are for the victims. There's just so much fear, shame, and embarrassment that result from being continually put down or controlled that it sometimes feels impossible for a woman to extricate herself by asking for help. I'm so glad for you that you've come out of hiding and not only have the courage to ask for help, but that you're still hopeful about love.

Given your history, it makes perfect sense to me that would need to be very cautious before trusting your instincts with men. Obviously your radar, combined with your ex-husband's acting ability has gotten you into terrible trouble. I don't see anything wrong with talking to your husband's ex-wife, especially since he's encouraging you to do so. And the fact that he's encouraging you is probably a good sign. Why would he risk incriminating himself?

So I say, go for it. But don't stop there. There are lots of other things you can do to make sure you're not jumping into something that looks different but may turn out to be just a different version of the same rotten thing. The problem with most of us is that we tend to repeat our mistakes until we figure out what's driving them and know how to avoid our habitual traps.

One thing I recommend is that you treat yourself to a book called, "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. Chances are that if you chose to marry a man who turned out to be abusive, you probably missed some critical warning signs long before you said "I do." Maybe as you think back now, you can see some of those more clearly. My guess is that they were there all along but that your own history--the history that predated your marriage--caused your internal radar system--to malfunction. For example, little girls whose mothers are treated badly by their fathers often choose men just like their dads. I know it sounds crazy, but it happens all the time. They're not looking for men who are abusive. They've just learned that abuse is a normal part of a love relationship. Sometimes they even take their father's side against their moms. It's not really as crazy as it sounds. If you grow up believing somebody's got to win and somebody's got to lose, who do you want to side with? The winner or the loser?

The road to recovery from abuse is one that requires a special kind of support. It needs to include accurate feedback from kind, healthy people who can help you rebuild your self-esteem and see that you are a wonderful person deserving of great love, tenderness, and respect. People who will remind you over and over that making mistakes is human, not evidence of weakness, stupidity, or fundamental inferiority.

I don't know if there were chemicals or alcohol involved in your relationship with your ex-husband, but I would definitely make sure that there is no chemical or alcohol abuse in your new relationship. I would not only talk to your boyfriend's ex-wife, I'd slow things way down and get to know his co-workers, friends, and family. And I'd watch him carefully to see how he treats people when he's angry or upset. How does he treat the waitress who burns his steak or the stock boy who accidentally bumps his cart? How does he treat his children (if he has them) and his pets, especially when he's irritated with them? If you're open to it, you might check out an Al-Anon group in your city. It's free, and it's a great way to get support while you work on rebuilding your self-esteem.

The answers to these questions will give you lots of important information about your new man. Do not be gulled by how nice he is to you during the courtship phase of the relationship. Enjoy it, but keep your eyes and ears open. And don't excuse, tolerate, or overlook bad behavior. Everybody gets mad, but not everyone gets abusive.

Remember: We are usually treated just as well as we believe we deserve to be.

Good luck!

Betsy