How many arguments have you had?  How many conflicts have you successfully handled?  How much have you told him about your past?  How much do you know about his?  What are his drinking habits?  How attached is he to his  golf buddies, his work, his former life?  How attentive is he when you're sick, stressed, bloated, depressed, or don't want to make love because you're just plain exhausted from meeting your 6-year old's needs?

Dear Betsy,

I am 40 and my boyfriend is 32. We've only been dating for a couple of months but things are already serious and we're extremely compatible in every way.  He has made comments about spending his life with me.

When is it appropriate to ask him whether he wants kids in the future?  I already have a 6-year-old son from a previous marriage. I know he likes kids and gets along with them, but he may not want kids of his own, but I'm not sure. I may want to have another child, possibly by adoption. Given my age, I want to find out sooner rather than later if he sees children in his future.

Signed,

Dreamy

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Dear Beautiful Dreamer,

I hate to a party pooper, but in only two short paragraphs you've already raised three red flags.  Let me start by saying: I love being in love.  I love being married.  So I don't want you to think I'm against romance.  I'm not.  I think it's great.  But since you've asked, I will tell you my concerns. 

First, I have no doubt that you and your boyfriend are seriously smitten.  Congratulations.  Nothing feels quite as good as falling in love.  But as blissful as any new relationship is, there's no possible way to know at this point if you're "extremely compatible"--much less "extremely compatible in every way."  Red flag number one.    

Compatibility is not something you can be sure of after two months.  It's something you figure out over time, little by little through trial and error.  And although there are a lot of clues you can pick up about someone if you pay attention, I wouldn't trust everything you see during the first few months of any new relationship.  The fact is our bodies are designed to meet, find a mate, and have babies.  That's how we're built.  So after those first 12-18 months of a new relationship--when our biochemistry goes completely haywire--most of us settle back into being ourselves again. 

Scientists can now measure this rise and fall of hormones during various stages of a relationship.  It turns out that falling in love is intoxicating.  Of course, we all know that, because we've all had friends who've gone completely nuts over a new man or woman we know is dead wrong for them. 

What happens during those first few months is that we're literally high on our own hormones.  That's why falling in love can turn a shy person into an extrovert, a cheapskate into a big spender, and a sexually inhibited person into someone who can't get enough.

I don't want to diminish the feelings you and your boyfriend have for each other.  It's wonderful that your new man is talking about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you.  That's great.  He likes you.  It's a good start.  But fantasizing a life together is no guarantee of compatibility over time.  In the big scheme of things, two months is bupkis.  And although you may fit together like two peas in a pod, you barely know each other. 

But I don't need to tell you this.  You've already been married.  You know what can happen to beautiful dreams.  If I were you, I would give yourself a lot more time before jumping into anything with this guy, or any man.  And I'd be careful about introducing him to your son too quickly.  It's important for you to know where your relationship is going before you let your son fall in love with a man who may not be in his life for very long. 

So you've seen my first red flag: In a couple month's time, you may be head over heels, but there's no way to know how compatible you really are. How many arguments have you had?  How many conflicts have you successfully handled?  How much have you told him about your past?  How much do you know about his?  What are his drinking habits?  How attached is he to his golf buddies, his work, his former life?  How attentive is he when you're sick, stressed, bloated, depressed, or don't want to make love because you're just plain exhausted from meeting your 6-year old's needs? 

My second red flag has to do with your question about when to ask him if he wants kids.  Why hesitate to ask any question that is this important to you?  Especially of someone you feel is perfect in every way? 

My third red flag has to do with your statement that your boyfriend has "made comments about spending [his] life with [you]."  That's nice to hear, of course, but what I haven't heard is you talking about wanting to spend your life with him.  I worry that you may letting how much he likes you determine how much you like him.  What's really important is if you love him enough, not simply whether he loves you enough.

My recommendation is that you slow down, sink in, take your time, and have a real relationship.  Get to know each other through thick and thin--before you make any major life decisions again that involve your son, or commit you to an uncertain future with a man you hardly know.  Ask all the questions you want.  At 40, I agree.  There's no point in holding hold back.  But don't rush into another committed relationship--or more children--until the two of you have weathered some storms as a couple and have come out of them closer and stronger.

Best of luck,

Betsy