Often when we're hit with a situation that feels really big, our first impulse is to jump to a quick solution.  It's a way to feel in control when the world starts spinning.  But before I'd hit Victoria's Secret for a new wardrobe for John, I'd suggest you slow down and check in with yourself. 

Dear Betsy,

Hi I recently caught my husband wearing my clothing.  He has told me that he always wanted to be a drag queen.  What can I do about this?  Should I let him keep wearing my clothing, or should I help him to buy his own female clothing?

Signed,

W.T.H.?
____________________________________________________

Dear W.T.H.,

Most women I know would be shocked to discover their husbands wearing their clothing and would have a million questions:  What does this mean?  Is John gay, bisexual or transgendered, or is he straight but just curious to know how it feels to wear a bra and panties?  How long has he been doing this?  Who else knows? 

Has he been out in public with women's clothes on?  Has he been sexual with anyone else?  I'd want to know what else I don't know about my husband.

I noticed that you presented your situation and posted your questions without even a hint of emotion or judgment.  I'm not suggesting that you feel one way or another, or that you have a particular set of judgments, but rather that you recognize and acknowledge whatever feelings you do have about this discovery. 

I'm concerned that your immediate impulse to accommodate your husband's interests--without even acknowledging your feelings about them--may say more about you than about him.  Before I'd attempt to answer any of the questions you've asked, I'd want to know your husband's answers to whatever questions you have about all this.  And I'd want to know how you feel about what he has said.  

Do you know how you're feeling?  Are you feeling: scared, insecure, threatened, stunned, worried, confused or freaked out?  Or are you feeling: accepting, amused, curious, or excited?  

Often when we're hit with a situation that feels really big, our first impulse is to jump to a quick solution.  It's a way to feel in control when the world starts spinning.  But before I'd hit Victoria's Secret for a new wardrobe for John, I'd suggest you slow down and check in with yourself. 

Then I'd talk to your husband.  Ask him whatever questions you have and let him know how you're feeling.  Then discuss how you'd like to deal with whatever feelings come up.

The bottom line is this:  You matter.  He matters.  It's not wrong, bad, or perverse to wear women's clothing, or to have other fantasies or behaviors that differ from our partners'.  What's important is that we don't allow those differences to harm ourselves or others, or come between us and our partners.

If you think it might be helpful, you might talk to a therapist together about this.  She can help you sort through your feelings and understand each other better. 

All the best,

Betsy