Learning to express your hurts without blaming, shaming, shutting down or lashing out isn't rocket science.  It's an invaluable skill you can both learn. 

Dear Betsy,
My husband and I have been having difficulties for awhile. He feels like I get mad at him too often, and I feel like he gets defensive whenever I ask him to do something, or suggest how I want something done.  When he disregards my requests, of course I get upset.  Now he says he doesn't want to be with someone who gets mad at him all the time.  He says if I don't change, he wants a divorce.  I'm shocked. Divorce is not something I even considered.  What do I do now?

Signed,

Stumped

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Hi Stumped,

It sounds like your relationship has stopped feeling like a safe place for either of you.  You can't ask for what you want anymore, because when you do, your husband feels criticized and controlled.  And he can't get credit for doing anything right, because he's so hurt and angry that he's stopped even trying to please you.

Prolonged feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment and resentment are toxic to any relationship.  Eventually, these feelings not only destroy relationships; they destroy the lives of those whose bodies are producing these toxic emotions.  To break out of the destructive cycle you are in, you both need to change. You need to really hear each other, and really listen when you tell each other how you feels in each other's presence.

Divorce isn't a good starting place for anything.  It's the last resort, when everything you've tried hasn't worked.  My suggestion is that you find someone to help you talk to each other about how much you're both hurting.  Learning to express your hurts without blaming, shaming, shutting down or lashing out isn't rocket science.  It's an invaluable skill you can both learn.  A place to start might be to try the OuchKit, which will give you both a way to express your hurts in a gentle, constructive, and respectful way.  I use them every day with my couples and they really help them develop their skills--especially between sessions, when I'm not around to mediate.

If you'd like to talk about this, feel free to schedule a phone session.  I'd be happy to talk with you more about it. 

All the best,

Betsy

 952-933-0942