Ask Betsy - Relationship Advice from Betsy Sansby, LMFT: Why do men use me to get out of their relationships?

I would like to know why men use me to get out of their relationships, but never stay with me? They tell me they like or love me. But then they're gone. What am I doing wrong?
Signed,
F.L.C.L. (aka Feeling Like Chopped Liver)
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Dear Chopped Liver,
I'm wondering what draws you into relationships with men who aren't available. I can imagine you making this mistake once, but what is that blind spot that pulls you in and allows you to choose it over and over again?

An obvious theory might be that you're avoiding intimacy by choosing men who can't really give themselves to you. But I don't know that that's true. My guess is that your relationships with these men have felt very intimate, which they often are.

Here's an important fact to remember: As a general rule, men don't leave women unless they've got another woman waiting in the wings. I don't believe these men they set out to hurt or use anyone. They're just not good at being alone with painful emotions, so they get things lined up before they move on.

There are good reasons for this, too. Because of the way we raise our sons--and because of the way our sons are built--men tend to put all their emotional eggs in one basket. Women tend to spread them out among girlfriends, sisters, and other family members. This makes men especially vulnerable when they start having problems in their primary relationships. They seek out other women because they don't know what else to do.

I've never met any man who started out looking for a replacement. They usually start out looking for comfort, reassurance, attention or "another female perspective." In other words, they start out looking for someone who isn't mad at them. Someone who still finds them attractive. A woman who is more accepting, loving, and patient than the woman they've alienated or grown tired of at home.

Women who fall into the trap of being a married man's confidante, need to see the handwriting written on the walls. Otherwise, their unprecedented willingness to talk openly and intimately can be very seductive--however short-lived. Men in this situation say things like "You're so wonderful! I can't believe I'm sharing things with you that I've never told anyone." or "Whoever gets someone like you is going to be very lucky."

If you repeatedly find yourself on the receiving end of comments like this, you
are being seduced by a blind man tumbling down a waterfall. You cannot save him, and you cannot hold his interest. All you can do is help him through his painful ordeal until he feels strong enough to walk away. Then, as is so often the case, he will look for someone who has not seen him so vulnerable.

My advice? Find a man who is as available as you are. Steer clear of charming men who will clutch at anything to keep from going over a waterfall.

Best of luck,
Betsy

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