The only thing that makes sense is to use this experience to change yourself for the better.  If your girlfriend is ever going to trust you again, it's going to be because you have been changed by the experience.  

 

Dear Betsy,

A few months ago I cheated on my girlfriend of five years. I broke it off with the other woman, but now the woman is telling my girlfriend that we're still sleeping together, which we aren't.  How do I get her to believe me? I haven't talked to or seen the other woman since we broke it off. What do I do?

Signed,

Dear W. N.,

I think you're focusing in the wrong direction by focusing on what the other woman is telling your girlfriend.  I would focus all my attention on repairing the damage you've already caused by cheating on your girlfriend in the first place.  Do what you can do to stop the other woman.  Delete her number.  Close her account.  File a restraining order if you need to.  But don't waste more precious time focusing on what you can't change.  Focus on what you can: You.

But let's slow down for a minute and talk a little about affairs, which are more and more common for both men and woman.  Partly this is because it's easier than ever to become intoxicated with someone else for an hour, an evening, or a lot longer-- especially now that Facebook, Twitter, texting, and email, make it so easy to flirt, send photos, fight and make up any time, day or night.  If you add alcohol, travel, insecurity or boredom to the mix, it gets that much easier. 

What isn't easy is remaining faithful and committed to one person for a lifetime. It's huge.  And since most of us enter into committed relationships when we're still relatively young, it's no wonder we struggle to remain faithful after only a few years.  Who knew that the 22-year old athlete we fell in love with would become a 32-year old lump?  Or that the person who used to love sex now can't stand it?

The mistake I think people make--besides marrying before they really know who they are--is believing that their happiness depends on getting their partner to be the person they thought they were.  This is a setup for failure.  The only commitment that really makes to me is a commitment to becoming the best person you can be--regardless of what your partner does or doesn't do.  This doesn't mean staying in a horrible or abusive relationship.  It means making sure that you are doing your work, before and after making a commitment.

As far as what to do now is concerned, the only thing that makes sense is to use this experience to change yourself for the better.  If your girlfriend is ever going to trust you again, it's going to be because you have been changed by the experience and can actually be trusted.  

Whatever you do, don't start making her promises.  She's been there.  Done that.  Instead, do something different.  Go to therapy.  Figure out what made you so vulnerable to this experience that you were willing to risk losing your girlfriend over it?  What does it mean?  It could mean anything.  Are you just not ready to commit?  Did the affair reveal something about you or your relationship that needs attention?  Were you looking for a way to make your partner jealous? 

Whatever you discover will be helpful if it brings you closer to knowing who you are and what you need to do to become the person you most want to be.  If you commit to being your highest self--whatever that means to you--you can't go wrong. 

Good luck,

Betsy