Dear Betsy,

My partner of 29 years has found an exciting new career which involves him working with young attractive women, one with whom he has become close friends. He is 56, she is 23. It is not physical, but he likes spending time with her and going for meals whenever he can.

He like an excited teenager when he's with her. When I expressed my alarm at this sudden change in his behavior, he said this was just work and friendship and that it didn't threaten us. We had been getting on well and have a good sexual relationship. He will not stop seeing her and my distress at this has made him angry and hurt. He now wants us to spend more time apart.

He says he loves me and I believe him, but he has lied to me in the past, mostly by omitting details when he thinks I might get upset.  I have told him this makes me more upset. He says he can't take more of this it's affecting his mental health. He wants his own life and blames me for not having enough time for himself. We are trying, but something has changed between us over the past 7 months. I'd be most grateful if you could give me any advice.
Signed,  Scared
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Dear Scared,

You have reason to be scared.  You have been with your partner for almost 30 years, which means he was 27 years old when you got together--not much older than his 23-year old "friend."  The only kind of friendship I know that's both safe and healthy for a 56-year old man and an attractive 23-year old woman is a father daughter relationship, or a relationship between the young woman and the man and his spouse, as surrogate parents, mentors, her adoptive "family."

I believe your partner when he says he still loves you.  That's entirely possible.  But that doesn't preclude him being intoxicated by all the contact and attention he's getting from this lovely young woman who probably thinks he's the cat's pajamas--or a nice old guy.  My guess is that being with her makes him feel 27 years old all over again.  How could he not enjoy that feeling?

My clinical practice is full of women whose husbands of many years have gone off the deep end with a younger woman.  Usually, the guy meets the woman at work.  Most often, the relationship starts off innocently enough, and progresses from conversational intimacy (sharing more with someone else than you share with your own spouse), and progresses from there into physical intimacy. 

This is why so many men feel it's unnecessary to tell their wives they've started having lunch with a young woman at work.  What's the harm in it?

Keeping secrets is the first step on Infidelity's slippery slope.  The guy thinks: "Why tell my wife about this?  She'll only freak out, and it's no big deal.  The woman's younger than our daughter, for god's sake!" 

Yeah.  Right.  Since when has that stopped an older man from being drawn in by a younger woman's beauty?   Ever been to a strip club?  I'm sure those women are younger than your daughter, too.

Just as it's difficult to convince a drunk person to stop drinking, it's difficult to convince a man who's drunk on his own hormones to stop doing something that makes him feel ALIVE!

But it is possible.  And it's critical that couples who are committed to preserving their relationship get help before an innocent lunch becomes a dangerous liaison. 

Tell your partner that a relationship expert has this advice for him:  "Infidelity is going to cost you more in the long run in the pain it inflicts than any fleeting pleasure you may gain in the moment.  If you're 56, you're 56.  Deal with it.  Talk about the fears that come with aging, the inevitable losses that sooner or later find us all.  You can't outrun Time by running backwards.  But you can destroy everything you love."

Thanks for writing.  Hopefully, your question will help you and lots of others.  All the best. 

Betsy