Betsy: Ever since I started using the OuchKit with couples, something interesting has been happening. The men have started admitting to feeling hurt, lonely, and unattractive when their wives (or girlfriends) reject them sexually. Usually, this comes as a complete shock to the women.

What straight women know is that when they say no to sex, their male partners get frustrated and angry with them. Often, the way men express this is by accusing women of being cold or sexually-uptight. What men don't say very often is how hurt they feel when they keep taking risks and keep getting rejected.

I keep thinking that if men would tell their partners what they're really feeling, instead of turning their hurt into an attack, they'd be likely to get a much better reception when they try to initiate sex. What do you think about all this?

Scott: You're observation is right on. Of course, having sex with a woman is a profoundly intimate experience for a man. Women are inclined to use words to establish closeness. But men are more likely to engage in action as a way of establishing a connection. When the deBeers commercial shows a woman yelling in ecstasy: "I LOVE THIS MAN," it's through his actions (giving her an incredibly big diamond) that he says he loves her-and she hears that just fine. But when the action he wants to partake in is lovemaking, she puts on the brakes.