So, that being said, do you REALLY believe, Betsy, that by having a man say: "I'm hurt," when he is deprived of sex, rather than clam up or act angry, the relationship will attain more and better sex? Seems to me I know men who have tried it, and they tell me their wives don't buy it.

Betsy: I have all sorts of reactions. First, let's be honest. Having sex is not always a "profoundly intimate experience for a man," anymore than it is for a woman. Men and women have sex for all sorts of reasons: love, lust, stress relief, pleasure, revenge, distraction, ego gratification, addiction, boredom, money, power. I really think intimate sex is rare between any two people. It's an ideal, an elusive thing we all want but can't force. Most of us are far too squirmy and easily distracted to maintain intimacy for very long. Try hugging your wife for more than twenty seconds and you'll see what I mean. Intimacy is great, but in my experience, it's hard to come by.

Scott: Forget hugging my wife for twenty seconds, but I'll take twenty minutes of intercourse. Don't downplay the emotional impact of intercourse; it's not the same for men and women. Men generally run a low level of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. The only time his oxytocin levels approach that of a woman (for whom emotional bonding is a more natural inclination) is during orgasm! Women can stop cleaning, calling, crocheting and cooking for a man. But when she stops having sex, THEN he feels rejected and unwanted. In my opinion, engaging in sex [for a man] has all the rewarding emotional feeling of a heartfelt emotionally based discussion [for a woman]-it's liberating and enriching.

Betsy: I do agree that there are real differences between what men and women want out of sex. Most men I know are the first to admit they would gladly have sex with any number of women they have no relationship with--intimate or otherwise. Most women I know do not feel this way. If intimacy is about sharing one's deepest self with someone, then one-night-stands are about something else--probably about one or more of the things I mentioned earlier. I'm not making a judgment here, just an observation. I don't actually believe that sex has to be about intimacy all the time. I just wish people could be more open and honest about what it really is.

Scott: OK, nothing is about something all the time. Sometimes sex is about emotional closeness, and sometimes it's about more superficial things-as in one night stands. But I thought we were talking about marital sex here. Can we agree that the range of what sex is becomes more narrowly defined once you're with a committed life partner?

Betsy: Sure, but let's be honest, married couples have sex for all the same reasons I mentioned above. Call me crazy, but none of the couples I know have soul-to-soul sex all that often. Next, about your DeBeers ad. I think you've been taken in. DeBeers ads aren't for women. They're targeted at men. The woman in the ad is a model who's been paid to convince men to think that a woman's love can be bought. It's an illusion, Scott. In my practice I see lots of wealthy women. They drive luxury cars, live in beautiful houses, and wear expensive clothes and jewelry. But guess what? Behind closed doors, not one of them is stupid enough to feel LOVED because her husband bought her a DeBeers diamond. Women don't complain to me about how much money their husbands spend on them. They do complain about how little their husbands know about them.

Scott: Ah, you my friend have been taken in. I don't see commercials for jewelry on my Football games; I don't read them in my Sports Illustrated or Scientific American. These ads are marketed specifically to women in women's media. In fact, just now I reviewed August 2004 "Overdrive," a magazine for truckers (arguably a male audience) with November 2004 Marie Claire (a female audience). To be fair, the first is a thinner magazine, so I only looked at the first 100 pages of "Marie Claire." Lo and behold, there were no ads for jewelry in "Overdrive" while there were six in "Marie Claire," including three for diamond rings. Do you really think having a woman swing her arms around in a circle of an Italian Piazza is doing anything for ME? No, but it's causing my wife to look at me EACH AND EVERY TIME with the question: "Why can't you be that romantic?" And as for those women with all those expensive things, if they don't think they make them feel better about themselves, why do you think they have them?

Betsy: Probably for the same reason guys in their 50s have tiny little Ferraris they can barely get in and out of. People like shiny new things. (Turns out, chimps do too.) As for me, I'd rather have a trip to that piazza in Italy than a diamond or Ferrari any day. And since novelty is such a great aphrodisiac-and since women love romance--my bet is that the guy who takes his wife to Tuscany is likely to have a lot more sex than the guy who buys his wife a DeBeers. But, I'd ask your wife. Which is more romantic to her? And is a man who says he's hurt when he's rejected sexually more likely to have more and better sex than a man who shuts down or gets mad? The answer seems pretty obvious. Who wants to have sex with a snapping turtle?

Scott: The: 'Who wants to have sex with a snapping turtle?' question doesn't quite answer my question. In the scenario you described, the woman has already established she doesn't want sex. So, are you saying that if he says, "That makes me sad," rather than acting angry or shutting down at that moment, that over the course of their marriage, something will happen inside the woman that will lead to her having more sex? And, for what it's worth, many men would be willing to have sex with a wife who snaps at them if the alternative was no sex at all!

Betsy: Really? Most women I know would rather have dark chocolate.

The Authors

Betsy Sansby, MS, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, is an award winning author and the creator of several popular communication tools for couples and families, including: The OuchKit, The STOP Strategy, The Art of Conversation, and Love Bites. She has been a featured therapist in Redbook Magazine and The Ladies Home Journal, and was recently approached by a British television company to do a couples therapy reality show. Betsy maintains a private therapy practice in Minnetonka, Minnesota. She also spends as much time as possible in rural Scotland.

Scott Haltzman MD, is currently the Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University. "Dr. Scott" has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and husbands. He has appeared in Time, Glamour, Woman's World Weekly, the Chicago Tribune, and is a regular presenter at annual Smart Marriages conferences. Dr. Haltzman's book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men (January of 2006).  He's currently working on his next book, The Secrets of Happily Married Women.